'Penis canes are murder.' by Kara
Wednesday, May 2, 2007 at 6:50 AM

Oh, God. I have so much I'd love to talk about. Something cool, something annoying, and something doubly annoying. I'll do the annoying one, since the doubly annoying one might lose me my job.

It's another driving rant.

I've had truckers be horrid on the road ... people in sports cars, girls in Porsches their parents bought them for their 16th birthdays, asshats in pickups, you name it. Maybe I'm in the minority, but I've never nearly been killed by a rental van. Until this morning.

I've always hated big trucks that don't have 'How's My Driving?' stickers, because it's pretty obvious that has become license to drive like a cock. I mean, what are we gonna do? It's even tougher with a rental van, because ... well, if I were to call them, what the hell problem is it of theirs? It's the driver's concern, the driver's problem, and -- well, come on -- the blood on the driver's hands.

The gentleman in this particular Penske van could very well have been intoxicated after a few bottles of breakfast. He was swerving between lanes, nearly running into several people -- including me. And when I passed him after giving him a warning honk when he nearly sideswiped me, he gave me a friendly wave. But he must've been a woodshop student back in the day, because he only had one finger up.

I called the proper area authorities, but I mean, what're they gonna do? Maybe they'd catch him. Maybe he already pulled off the highway. Maybe, despite the fact that I believe the police are obligated to follow up on possible intoxicated drivers, they just don't. Anyone who's heard me speak knows that, over the phone (and occasionally in person), I do not have a convincingly mature voice. And I can't tell Penske, because I'm sure somewhere in the contract there's a subheading 43b. Shit that ain't our problem.

So off he goes into the wild blue y., clearly moving somewhere new, bringing the joy and happiness of his cockish driving to a new town. I can only hope that said town is filled with rich, incompetent teenagers.

If you have been, blah.